Relationships are work. There are no two ways about it. We come into our engagements with a lot of excitement and expectation. But once you become engaged you now get to have 2 families and often times even more than 1 mother. All families have their own internal way of communicating and living with each other, dealing with life's ups and downs. Sometimes a well intentioned future Mother-In-Law can feel like a huge smack in the face. Here are some ways of managing yours so you can have a calm and peaceful relationship.
1.
Keep an open line of communication with your
future Mother-In-Law. Years ago
when I was marrying my husband I was so shy and too fear full to share my opinions
or speak my mind whenever my Mother In Law was around. Especially when I had a
different opinion. I was too uncomfortable with speaking my truth to her. I was afraid she wouldn’t
like me. I usually deferred the tricky situations to my husband and had him speak for me
"thinking" this would make it OK. WRONG!!! All this did was set up years of
hurt and miscommunication. It
actually created a huge rift between his Mom and me. It was not fun and I do not recommend
this line of action.
2. Genuine honesty is your friend when dealing with your fiancee's mother. She knows when you are not telling the truth or hiding. She will be able to sense it. And furthermore, not telling your truth will create the exact situation you are trying to avoid. What I have recently discovered is that we don’t realize that when we are uncomfortable
or not authentic other people can feel it.
We all think we are great at pretending or acting like we fit; but the
truth is if you are uncomfortable in any way people really do sense it. Especially “Moms”. We have a sense about other people
especially when they are going to be marrying our son. Therefore, if you don’t
like or agree with something she says have an open, honest conversation, with
her. Do not run to your fiancée screaming about his Mom hoping he will rescue
you like Snow White. Remember, Snow White lived in a Fairy tale.
3.
Set
some clear boundaries from the very beginning with your fiancee on how the two
of you want to deal with each others parents. If you and he are on the same page then sharing with his Mom
can be something that is effortless.
After all, you both have the same goal and ultimate interest. Her son’s happiness.
Every family has their own unique rhythm and way of communicating.
It is OK. You have to learn as you grow with your fiancee in this journey to pick and choose your battles; when to stand your ground and when to give
in. Life together is not about who
wins or who is right it is about choosing happy. The choice is up to you. When
faced with the choice between right and happy- think really hard about which one will
ultimately give you a better life.
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leave a comment. Let me know your
thoughts, If you have any questions or need any information or would like to
see me write about a topic you need help on let me know. If you don’t want to leave a comment
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Grace, Gratitude and Happy Planning!
Great advice! It's always a an interesting dynamic with the mother-in-law. Lucky for me, I have a great relationship with my mother-in-law!
ReplyDeleteThanks Jason. You are very lucky in deed. At the risk of sounding sexist I think it is easier for men to deal with their mother in law for a number of different reasons. I am glad that you have a good relationship with yours. After a 24+ year marriage mine is still a work in progress.
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